I’ve thought long and hard about writing this chapter. It deals with events that are personally devastating to me. But the truth is what happened to me was all part of the experience and should be told.

About 4-5 days into my stay, I began to experience urinary incontinence. Never had this been an issue in my life. What I noticed was as soon as I would stand up, I would have no control at all. I also had no warning…no feeling of needing to go. One accident and I’m relegated to Depends. I would live in them for the duration of my stay. I tried to anticipate my bathroom needs and sometimes I could make it and sometimes I couldn’t.

And then it was my bowels. Same thing. No notice, no feeling of needing to go. Just stand or sit too long and it happens. It was awful. And then it got worse. One night, I woke up in he middle of the night to the entire contents of my bowels simply pouring out of me. I have never been so horrified in my life. I was also petrified…this is what happens when you are dying. I rang for the nurse right away and two angels swiftly arrived at my bedside. With grace and dignity, they quickly went about the business of cleaning this up and cleaning me up. It was quick and efficient. When they were done, one of them sat on each side of my bed and cried with me, rubbed my back and held my hand and assured me this was normal and that they see and do this all the time. No amount of reassurance could make this better at that time. I was humiliated.

Although I never had that particular event happen again, I did experience severe incontinence throughout my stay.
I learned something very valuable that night. No matter how tough or bad ass you think you are, you are no match for your body. You will surrender. You have no choice. You will also recover, eventually.