Where the hell have you been…?

Wow…almost a year and a half since I last sat down and wrote an entry.

So where the hell have I been and what have I been doing? A lot.

Sailing on the Great Windship Schooner Heritage continues to be a thing for me every summer. I have now managed to sail at least 3 times in a season. June sailing is the best because the Bay is not busy and the days are so long. Dawn starts to break around 4am and the skies are still light at almost 10pm! Makes for incredible sailing days. Late August is the best because the winds are warm, the water is warm (ok, tolerable) and schooners are aplenty on the Bay. Late September is the best because Fall is upon us, the colors are beautiful, the air is crisp and cool (ok, cold) and the wind is absolutely the best. Year after year, many of the same sailors return and it’s always fun to catch up with old friends and meet new ones. Captain’s Doug and Linda continue to welcome me almost like family as they do with all their guests. Shary humors me and knows what I want before I do. And the crew….Ben, strong and silent and extremely capable of caring for all the needs of Heritage. Sean, still cooking up great meals every day and entertaining us at night with music and song. Jamie, growing up before our eyes and maturing into a future leader of America! He belongs on Broadway…and allows me to play “Hamilton” with him. Theo, one of the nicest young men I have ever met. Totally growing up. Watched him go from doughy boy to lean and adorable young man…Theodorable. And then there is Elli. What an amazing young woman she is. So strong and determined to chart her own course, not that of others before her. I thoroughly enjoy being with all of them.

The Grind to Glory struggle continues. But I keep fighting the good fight and have yet to throw in the towel It’s been hard and I’ve wanted to many times but I’m not a quitter so there you go! Recently, I had wanted to join a program that appeared to be quite successful. I was “all in” and ready to go. And then they pulled the rug out on me. Apparently, there is absolutely NO room for compromise or adjusting to the lives and jobs of clients. The particular demands of my job are such that there may have been a time that I could not arrive for my weekly appointment. They would not allow me to come a different day or reschedule an appointment. So they denied me the opportunity to enter the program at this time and suggested I return in the Spring when weather issues were less likely to impact my weekly appointment. I was angry at this and very disappointed. But in the end, it was probably for the best. Some things are not meant to be. But….the anger I felt has turned into a sort of “fuck you” attitude. I’m back on the grind like I was years ago and it feels great. I will show them I do not need them!

After 5 years of almost weekly therapy, I have found a place of peace with myself and the choices I make. Almost all of this has to do with the relationship I have with my sister. I have found my voice and have learned how to say “no”. It is very empowering. But mostly, it has allowed me to do what I want, not always what others want me to do. It was hard at first as I got some serious pushback. But I stuck to my convictions and now the word “no” is easy to say and easier to stand behind. I still check in once a month with my therapist, mostly just to keep myself on course. The five years we devoted to each other were hard work and some incredible moments of clarity. I was never told what to do or how to feel…I was always given the tools to find my own way to the answers. Making the incredibly hard decision to seek out help was the BEST thing I ever did and I highly recommend it. You may think you are okay but having the place and space to lay it out on the table really does make a difference. She has set me back on an even keel.

Mr.Mouse is well. He has some new friends. Malach and Norval are the gnomes that live in his neighborhood. And then there is Abigail…..

 

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