So as I waved goodbye to my dreams of being Twiggy, I prepared to go under the knife and get rid of this cancer ridden organ. (OK, I didn’t want to look like Twiggy but you get the idea)

I began telling friends and family that the bypass surgery was off and I was preparing for a much more serious operation. Of course people were stunned. It was at this point, I found out who wasn’t in favor of the bypass surgery even though they expressed support in the beginning. I can handle honesty even if I don’t agree. I struggle with lies, no matter how well intended. I knew that those that “lied” did so out of what they felt was kindness. It was really caused by lack of knowledge of what the process was and would be. But it is what it is and I moved on. I had bigger issues to face.

Knowing that there is cancer infecting your body makes you want nothing more than to have it gone. NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week or next month, NOW. And I pressed the surgeon to make this happen as quickly as possible. I was able to get a surgery date of April 2. That was less than one month after the initial diagnosis. I can be very persuasive. The surgery would be long and in some ways, very delicate. It would require two surgeons. There are a gazillion blood vessels that are attached to your kidney and each one needs to be cut and cauterized.

I went into the hospital on Tuesday April 2. I had a friend drop me off and I went into this scared and alone but trusting I would be okay. My sister had wanted to come and be with me. But her own struggle with caring for her sick husband meant she could not get away. She even considered taking the train down from Maine, spending the day with me and going back at the end of the day. The timing (2pm) of my procedure meant that was not really possible. I know she was torn about this but I understood and it was okay.

So the time came for the trip to the OR and off to sleep I went. If you’ve never had surgery, let me just tell you that Versed is your friend! It’s the drug they put into your IV to send you off to sleep. It feels good in those moments before oblivion. In fact, you could take me to the parking lot for the surgery and I would smile and say, “okay…”!

Some time around 8pm, I woke up in the recovery room. The procedure had taken almost 5 hours. I felt fine. Well, as fine as you can feel in a recovery room. I had no pain. I was quite comfortable and drifted right back into sleep. Apparently, I was the only patient left in the recovery room. I had the place to myself, me and a bunch of spectacular nurses. I liked my drug induced sleep. I would wake up for a few seconds and drift right off again. Those nice nurses kept trying to wake me up and keep me awake but I was having none of it! After an hour or so of this, the nurse became concerned because I was not waking up and staying awake. Also, I have this tendency to breathe very lightly and my oxygen levels were of concern to them. I heard them call the Doctor but I guess he was not too worried as they just continued to monitor me. Finally I came around enough around midnight and they moved me upstairs to a room. Midnight!!!!! That was one very long day!

I did pretty good over the next two days. They do get you up right away and get you moving. There was not tons of pain, it was uncomfortable but not unbearable. One thing that was pretty odd…(do not read if you are squeamish…) When they take your kidney out, they go in from the front, take all your intestines and stuff out (still attached) and move them aside to reach the kidney. When they are done, they take all your stuff and mash it back into where it came from. But there is a new space where the kidney used to be. So, the first time you get up to move, you feel all your stuff kinda sloshing around inside as it settles into the new space. Yikes!!!!!! So consider this a public service notice/warning if you ever find yourself having a kidney removed. You’re welcome. 🙂

On Friday, I went home to continue the recovery and get well. I would be out of work for at least the rest of April. It was Spring and I wanted to be up and out and getting better. I had decisions to make about the gastric bypass surgery. I was being pressured by well-meaning members of the program I had been in. I just could not commit to anything other than getting past this cancer thing. I needed time…

 

I didn’t feel so lucky when the diagnosis was cancer.

Less than 24 hours after being told I had a cancerous tumor in my kidney, I was scheduled for gastric bypass surgery. Well, that wasn’t happening now. All the hard work I had put in for 9 months was out the window. I had planned this surgery so that by the Summer, I would be well on my way to a new, healthy, slimmer me. I had plans. Big plans.

I actually like to exercise. I especially like walking. But it has to be outdoors, preferably some place scenic, woodsy, near water, a nature path. I had found several places that I walked that really fit these requirements. I had a book of nature paths that ran in Lincoln, Lexington, Concord. When I walked, I often took my camera. I like taking nature pictures. I was pretty good at it, too. Hiking and photography seem to go together like birds of a feather!

You need a goal. And I had one. My goal was to go hiking in the White Mountains and stay in some of the AMC huts that are located in those mountains. I wasn’t planning on a big hike, just something manageable to start with. The Fall was my plan. Not hot, not buggy and God knows the most beautiful time of the year to be in the mountains. This had me written all over it. And in the blink of a routine CT scan, it was all gone. And it still is…but that’s part of the story that comes much later.

So when I got the big C diagnosis, I had to first tell my family. This would be hard. At this same time, my brother in law was experiencing advancing prostate cancer. He had already beaten throat cancer and then BAM, he was told he had prostate cancer. This too was manageable and had been under control for about four and a half years. But now things were changing and his cancer was getting worse. How do I call my sister and tell her that I have cancer too? Well, there is only one way and that is, pick up the phone, make the call and just say what it is. No beating around the bush. Cancer is cancer and I have it.

Remember when I said I was lucky? Well, here is where that was really true. The kind of cancer I had would only require the removal of my kidney. I would not need chemo or radiation…at all…ever. How does that happen? So on the surface, this was GREAT news. But it ultimately took a huge toll on me. More on that later…

How do I tell my sister and her husband the “good” news about my cancer when he was starting to fail. His cancer was advancing and all I had to do was have a little surgery and I’d be fine. Such mixed emotions. But I made the call anyway, told them everything I knew and assured them I would be fine. I could handle this…by myself. Or so I thought.

So here I am deciding finally to put things down in writing. Will anyone read this? Does anyone really want to know what I think or how I feel? Hard to say.

Where does my Grind to Glory story begin?

In the early Summer of 2012, I decided to look into the possibility of gastric bypass surgery. I knew very little about it and did not want to make any rash decisions. It seems that I am one who never makes a rash decision but at that time, I did not know that about myself.  So I went to some informational meetings and decided that I would attend the program with the intent of learning more while working toward the potential of surgery. The Doctor I was assigned to was excellent. I also had to meet with a nutritionist every month and start learning how to eat better. Attending support group meetings was mandatory. And I went to every one. I had some bumps along the early road with directly conflicting information from two nutritionists in the program. I was confused. I was frustrated. I was angry. But I stuck with it. I lost some weight but not enough. Is it ever enough? I exercised. I actually like exercise. I especially like walking. And I LOVE being in a pool doing aerobic exercise. I kept plugging away through the Fall and then at the end of the year, I made the decision to have the surgery. It was a big decision but one that I made only after extensive research and some really hard work. I was committed.

But then I began to tell family and friends. Some were supportive, some were flat out opposed to this. Others said they were supportive but really weren’t. I would not know this until the Spring of 2013 when it all went to hell in a hand basket. The surgery was scheduled for Tuesday March 5, 2013. In the week prior to the surgery, I had to undergo several pre-surgery tests. One of those tests was an abdominal CT scan. There was a mix-up with scheduling this test and I ended up going to the hospital on the day before the surgery for this “routine” test. It was FAR from routine.

I had this routine CT scan less than 24 hours prior to the surgery. I went in, had the test and went right back to work. I had loose ends to tie up at work before I would be gone for a month or so. I was not back in my office for more than an hour when the Doctor’s office called and said there was a problem. A big problem. The secretary told me they found a “mass” on my kidney. She never said what that meant and I did not know. She went on to tell me that the office had made an appointment for me for that afternoon to see a urologist to discuss this. My surgery was in jeopardy.

I was in a fog. What the hell was a “mass”? I wasn’t sick, how could anything be wrong? I went to the urologist and he sat there, nice and matter of fact and told me I had a tumor in my kidney, it was the size of a golfball, it was smack dab in the center of the kidney, it was CANCER and I would have to have my kidney removed. The whole thing. So I became very matter of fact and asked how he knew it was cancer without tests and biopsies and he told me that these kinds of tumors can not be biopsied. They are called “encapsulated” tumors and that piercing the encapsulation in any way would cause the cancer to spread. Kidney cancer is 100% fatal. Every time. Ok then. This was the bad news.

Was there good news? Yes. Fortunately we are born with two kidneys and we really only need one. Nice to have a spare organ when you need one. This cancer is also the type that once you remove the organ, you remove all of the cancer and there is no need for chemo or radiation. What????? Who has cancer and doesn’t need treatment? But it was true. As long as there was no breech of the tumor, there was no need for anything but the surgery. It would be like having a tooth pulled. The Doc told me how lucky I was. And although I heard him, I was not in any kind of place to believe him. I was devastated. Everything I had worked toward for 9 months was ripped away from me and now I had cancer. And I was losing a kidney. Not feeling so lucky.